Anti-Social Extrovert

Is there such a thing? I think I am pretty extroverted in such that I can small talk with anyone and as painful as it might be I can more often than not find a common thread between myself and my conversation partner which we can grow a conversation on. I have no problem sitting at a table of people I don't know and listening in until I find something I can relate to or comment on or laugh with them about. And yet, I hate it.

I hate being put in situations where I am at a table full of people I don't know. I can see painful small talk coming at me from miles away and I exit stage left on the asap. I hate being in large groups of people and being forced to interact for fear of looking like a snot if I don't. I dread walking into places where I know small talkers lurk and I quickly calculate in my head how much time I need to devote to talking about nothing lest I risk looking like I am making an inappropriately timed departure. I avoid lunch rooms and gathering places and have detoured time and time again if theres someone in the bathroom when I plan to go in so that I don't have to listen to them pee while feeling obliged to ask them how their weekend was.

One on one's? Bingo bango. A couple of people who's company I enjoy? Bring it on. But if I pass by an old lady in the walkway under the building and I realize that we may have to share 15 long floors together on the elevator I will knock that walker right out of her hands and power walk my ass to the elevator to avoid it. Yes, I will even rapidly hit the "close door" button if I hear footsteps once I have entered an elevator. I don't want to talk to you in line at the grocery store. I don't want to know what you did this weekend. I could care less how you know the bride/groom/birthday girl/etc. I once had a 31 floor elevator ride with the CEO of one of Winnipeg's largest companies and while we probably could have found a myriad of things to discuss, I shut down and he commented that my lunch bag matched my purse. My averting eyes? Yes. Thats a sign. Leave me alone.

But should you happen to corner me and I have no escape route or hand signal of distress to a nearby friend you will find that I can prattle on about cars or construction or the cost of groceries or recipes or preschools or hand foot and mouth disease with the best of them. I just don't want to.