Why Are You On The Road?

Was today National Bad Driver day and no one told me about it? Cuz if anyone had brought it to my attention I would have just stayed the hell home.

Dear Cyclist,
I know the whole deal about how cyclists have every right to be on the road and how technically we actually have the right to take up an entire lane if we want to. But newsflash dipshit. We DON'T actually do that. We try to overcome the car-bike love-hate relationship by taking up as little space as is safe. So when I see you pedaling your fat ass in the middle of a lane for no reason, I get a touch irritated. THAT is why people in cars hate us. Have some common sense. I'm happy to get out of your way when you're happy to get out of mine. Obnoxious fuck.

Dear Lady in Nissan,
You need to march right down to a BMW dealership and borrow one for a day because CLEARLY no one ever taught you how to merge and the pick up of a Beemer will make the worst merger a confident part of driving society. I get the lingering around the yeild sign when there's no real merge lane to speak of. But when the merge lane we had extends for a good two city blocks, start driving your goddamn car in it so that you can get to speed and merge in with the flow of traffic. That's why its called MERGING.

Dear Old Man with Hat,
I dig your caution, I really do. I like that you take the time to be aware of your surroundings. Its better than a 75 year old driving like a rally driver. But seriously dude, passing lane is for passing. Not for driving 60 in a 100 zone. You made me beat up my steering wheel. You made me curse out loud. Multiple times. You made me wish I was driving a shitbox car because I seriously contemplated ramming into you with no concern for your well being whatsoever.

Dear Punk Ass Bitch,
You and your souped up ball of tacky on wheels is not impressive to me. Gunning it beside me at lights just makes me want to turn my steering wheel to the right and tromp your little toy car with my Jeep. Your gangsta rap that's pouring out your windows with so much base that the ground moves and you can't understand a lick of the lyrics makes me want to lock you in a room with Kenny G and watch you through a window and point and laugh while your ears bleed.

Dear Mr. Middle Age,
Wearing a golf shirt and a baseball cap in your wee little sports car convertible doesn't make you look young. Its makes you look like you're having a midlife crisis and she's forgiven you for the affair. Oh and by the by, driving a convertible sports car doesn't automatically make one assume you're loaded. It oftentimes just makes one think you are a poor decision maker with bad judgement and if its a Corvette, bad taste in cars.

There. Road rage out, deep breath in.