Club Z

I went to Zellers today. I honestly don't know how it stays open but I digress. Today at Zellers I saw some interesting folk.

There was a very animated, somewhat jewish looking lady going on and on to a very uninterested and somewhat embarrassed looking asian lady about how she planned her escape and subsequent divorce while her other half was away in Manilla. She took things from the house bit by bit and stashed it in a girlfriends garage so when the time came she would have everyting she needed. Her friend just nodded and looked like she wanted to be anywhere but at Zellers, at that moment in time.

Then there was the purse lady. As I perused the school supplies I noticed an unattended cart complete with purse. I thought it was the elderly lady browsing through scissors and white glue with me and thought nothing of it. Until I saw her. Fat ass all jiggling as she attempted to run, hollaring about the cart with her purse in it and how she thought little bobby so and so had it. She could have sworn that he was pushing the cart. "He"? Was about 4 years old. She came a-trotting and voila, there was the cart and the purse. I guess every once in awhile its a good thing that Zellers is always virtually empty. But the best part was the husband. A little, um, rough around the edges. He let everyone within ear shot know what he thought of her. Amusing and awkward at the same time. Apparently, she JUST DOESN'T THINK and THATS THE PROBLEM. Oh really? THAT'S your problem? Honey. I think its deeper than that.

An old lady smiled at me while I tried on shoes. Not creepy. I smiled back. I often wonder if you make a seniors day simply by smiling back at them. I think you probably do.
I saw a dad and his probably 10 year old girl in the clothes section. If ever a man looked lost, it was today in Zellers.

You know when they come on the loud speaker and announce that if you go REAL FAST and get to the MYSTERY SPOT RIGHT NOW you will get a free gift? Well. If I was more of a loser today would have been my day. Someone who works at Zellers is rushing to the mystery spot RIGHT NOW so don't wait any longer. I was perusing the purses when I saw the crowd of freebie-whores. They actually sat through a presentation on the ShamWow cloth by the creepiest man in Zellers just to get a free ShamWow. Really? Was it worth it? That ShamWow better be pretty f-ing fantastic. I walked past them and prayed to the gods of "just not right now" that I would not get hollared at to "just come see how this thing works ma'am, don't pass up this great opportunity!" I got past unscathed and un-ShamWowed.

Then there was the badling, Ron Howard-y looking dad who kept trying to get away from his two annoying children who enjoyed playing tag and his wife who was absorbed in floral print tshirts and soap opera digests. I was in the food aisles and somehow he appeared in every aisle I went down. Coincidence? No. Creepy? Yes.

Then there was the cashier with her stringy blonde hair and big glasses and teeth that were screaming for some whitening time. She rang through one item. Four ninety seven. She rang through the second item. Also four ninety seven. Now hold on a minute. Something must be wrong here. What are the chances of THAT? She looked at my bag. She looked at her screen. She advanced a bit of the bill. She pulled item two from the bag. She looked at the screen again. She looked at item number one. She studied item number two. She looked at the screen one more time in case, oh I don't know, it CHANGED IN THE LAST TWO SECONDS. Fnally I just said "they're both the same price". Oh I know, she says, but she just had to double check cuz that one thing seems like such a good deal and I think I'm going to run and get one. Um. Are we in target? Are you Kristen Wiig? Are you going to leave me at the till while you run off and get yourself a Sleeping Beauty 3D coloring set? I was tempted to lie and say it was the last one. There's just something about someone inspecting your stuff before they put it in your bag and being all personally interested in what you've bought that rubs me the wrong way. Its like the person who scans all of the headlines on the cover of a magazine before putting it in your bag. Go get your own.

The big bag of Maltesers was on sale for two bucks. I knew if I bought them they'd be done in the matter of an afternoon. So I didn't buy them. I know. Progress. Go me.